failure is funny ...

... but abs are hot.

So, I was just chatting with my friend M and he read the blog and said "it's amusing". Well, that's not really funny, is it? I originally was looking to provide entertainment, but realized that success isn't usually funny. It's enviable, but definitely not a bucket of laughs. By the way, he located his abs and they are at home eating delicious pasta and drinking wine.

I have a friend, N, who is in amazing shape, has a superior palate, yet somehow has a weakness for McDonald's french fries & chocolate shakes. The other day, she drove by 3 McDonald's on her way home and denied herself the guilty pleasure of those little treats. That is admirable but not funny. What is funny is envisioning this top notch chef secretly devouring McDonald's french fries and a chocolate shake in a dark parking lot.

As I sit here eating my grilled chicken salad, I already know the ending to my story chanbody. I will locate my abs, I will show them off, and I will maintain them until I die. Dramatic? Yes, but there is no other choice except success. The parts of the story I don't know are how exactly I will do it and how long it will take. There will be a lot of boring stories about grilled chicken, sets, reps, protein powder, and drinking gallons of water every day, but the delicious payoff cannot be ignored. Now don't get all upset. I will definitely share with you the slip-ups of when I happen to regain my sweet tooth and gorge myself on fat, alcohol and sugar and wake up on my couch at 2 a.m. in a carb coma.

watch out wolfgang puck

I'm in love with my George Foreman Grill. I came home last night absolutely famished. I looked in my fridge and freezer and, much to my dismay, found only fresh vegetables, eggs, and lean meat. I closed the doors and opened them again waiting for some magical food to appear prepared before my eyes. I repeated the door closing and opening several times before I realized that I would have to cook all the ab-tastic food I bought on Monday. I was also briefly saddened as I realized I could not eat a plate of sugar cookies drowned in hot chocolate topped with frozen pizza. Apparently, in a ab-obsessed fury, I had cleaned out my entire kitchen. Damn it.

I climbed on a ladder and dug out the grill I haven't seen in a couple years. It had been supporting a muffin pan and some random coffee cups in the cupboard since I moved into my apartment in February. I really hate touching raw meat, but I just had to suck it up. I dumped all the chicken breasts into a bowl and scowled as I ripped them apart to cut them. I sliced them and threw them on the hot grill and ... perfection. Absolutely amazing. I chopped up some salad stuff and threw this grilled chicken deliciousness on top and had that for dinner. Feeling impressed with myself, I decided to go for the ground chicken next.

Chicken burgers sounded great. I found a recipe, then changed it completely. I chopped up some red peppers, seasoned mushrooms [olive bar at Whole Foods], and a garlic clove. I dumped this all in a bowl with two eggs, a pound of ground chicken, ground black pepper and sea salt. I stirred all that goodness together and noticed it was pretty gooey so I added some oats. Yes, totally random but it held it together. I scooped just over 1/3 cup of this goo onto the grill twice and out came these tasty little nuggets of protein fantasticness.

At this point, I was so smitten with myself, my chopping skills, and the GFG that I couldn't contain my excitement. If ab sculpting food tasted this good, then my weapon-like abs might not be that far away. Maybe I would get my birthday wish before my birthday.

The next step is to practice this line: "You know, I don't have much of a sweet tooth. I have never really liked dessert". To have amazing abs, I must learn to lie to myself and others. This will not be too difficult. The power of self-manipulation is quite impressive. When you repeat the same thing enough, you actually believe yourself. It's fantastic.

Yes, I have been known to eat cookies for breakfast. But, we are not dealing with a Biggest Loser situation here. We are dealing with a I have been known to work out religiously and eat well sometimes, but other times eat whatever the hell I want and skip the gym for 5 weeks straight situation.

Now that I'm feeling motivated by the new love of my life [the grill], it's time to start thinking about the prescribed gym routine for the next four weeks.

Next time ... bleeding muscles and sweaty tears. It's going to be hot.

burning lungs

Greetings fellow fitness fanatics. I made it to the gym last night around 9:00 after staying on the computer for 3 hours longer than planned. And, when I say gym what I mean is the lobby level fitness room in my building. I did not want to lose my fantastic front row parking spot in the deck by driving to the gym. Leaving the deck after 9:00 is an automatic sentence to G4 ... the lowest parking level. And, driving that far into the ground is no fun.

To my surprise, the room was packed and the bike was the only cardio machine available. I did the bike while watching college basketball. No, I don’t watch sports ever, but think that watching fit men run all over a court might help me in the search for my abs. I mean, it can't hurt right?

Biked for 15 minutes, then treadmilled for 15. Legs burned on bike, then the lungs started burning while walking. Maybe it was the coffee I had. Or maybe that I haven't been to the gym since December 10. [Yes, December 2008, thank you!]

So, the search has begun. And, I don't know if it's my overly active imagination or not, but I'm pretty sure I was looking super-svelte this morning when I woke up. I'm rolling out the red carpet for the hotness of 2009 indeed.

I'm looking for my abs ...

... and there may be a reward if you find them. 

I'm trying something new this year. It's become a given for most that "get in shape" is somewhere on most people's resolution list. Unless you are already in shape or just don't care and will continue to stuff your face with sticks of butter and honey roasted turducken rolled in chocolate mounds of goo. For me, I have already begun the fantasy of summer 2009 which involves gravity-defying glutes and abs that double as a weapon. They say to get results that you should share your goals with friends. Well, I figured I would take it up a notch and shower my would-be fitness goodness all over my friends.

For 4 weeks, I'll be using the "Back on Track" food & exercise plan featured in the Jan/Feb Muscle & Fitness Hers magazine - http://www.muscleandfitnesshers.com/ It involves lots of protein, a painfully low amount of carbs and getting my to-be sweet bottom to the gym 4 times a week. I pseudo-started today by going to Whole Foods and spending $103 on heart & ab healthy foods. This means that (a) my refrigerator no longer looks like that of a bachelor who consumes only dijon mustard, beer, a single potato, and a strangely large amount of empty water bottles; (b) also that I am totally putting myself out there for complete and utter entertainment, which is usually more important than anything else; (c) there also may be pictures if [when] the abs resurface ... though this may be in like July. Maybe a birthday present to myself!? Hmmmm ... sounds nice.

On a side note, my friend we'll call "K" just messaged me and said he found my abs eating guacamole at Moe's Southwest Grill. This could explain where they have been. No reward yet, though!

I plan to get a jump on January and hit the gym tonight. It should be dead, because people don't want to be healthy until January 1 so I have 2 solid days before the mad rush! I am sucking down some Holiday blend coffee from Starbucks in hopes of getting through 30 minutes of cardio without having a heart attack.

Alright, people ... please join me for the next 4 weeks [or 3 days, if I happen to find something else shiny and pretty to entertain myself for the new year]. Please post comments if you want but try to keep the mockery to a limit. My abs can only handle so much torture.

I do not promise abs, but I do promise entertainment. Stay tuned!